A man was found curled up in a ball, with a Swan on his lap, late yesterday morning, on a grass verge alongside the B343 close to Swindon town centre. Once woken, the man made a demand for Mayonnaise. The Swan seemed unharmed, but had pictures of Douglas Bader stuck to it's beak.
Alarmed motorists saw the man during the morning rush hour, but couldn't be bothered to rouse him. Police named the man as Kenneth O'Probably, 28, of Rotherhythe. It is alleged that at the time of these incidents, his house had been worth £141,000, but since his wrongs had been committed, it had plunged 17 percentage points to £154,000.
It is believed that Mr O'Probably had been in the foetal position for at least 17 hours. The previous day, locals apparently had reported a strange man running up and down Swindon high street. The man had Tinsel gaffataped to his balls, shouting "Christmas has come early" whilst wearing a Turkey on his head that has recently been cooked on gas mark six.
The Swan was instantly put into the care of a local manager of a nearby McDonald's, and Mr O'Probably was soon waxing lyrical about the "Chestnuts of War".
Police dealing with Mr O'Probably were heard muttering that "he should have been drowned at birth".