After hearing that Malvern in Derbyshire was to have a Well Dressing contest, Gok Wan, TV's campest clothes designer (and that is saying something), packed his handbag and showed a clean pair of Gucci heels as he headed up the M1.
According to local sources, Gok flounced into Malvern two hours ahead of the scheduled time for the start of the competition to find an already buzzing party atmosphere on the main street of Malvern. Gay stalls selling everything Gok could imagine, from nougat to anal plugs.
What he couldn't see was any evidence of clothing.
"He looked dead perplexed, he did," said Malvern resident, Gavin Basher. "Kept going up to people and asking where the clothes were. We thought he was from the Sally Army until Janet Withenshaw recognised him off the telly. She's got her finger on the pulse has Janet."
"It was so embarrassing, hunny," said Gok Wan to a reporter from the Malvern Herald, who's previous largest story had been the tree that blocked the road. "I came here to help the contestants be well dressed, only to find it's a well that's dressed! Shriek!"
Having made a trip up to the dirty north, Gok got into the swing of things, and joined in well dressing.
"I was gobsmacked at the result," said Well Dressing judge Keith McLeaf. "Most of the well's had been dressed in traditional fashion, leaves, flowers, sacrificial virgins, chickens and the such."
"I dressed my well in a burgundy ruffed bunches, with horizontal stripes," said the Wan One. "It was definitely an Apple Shape, and I think the bunches and stripes will balance that out. It looks fabulous!"
"Well, it was different," said McLeaf. "I would have preferred it with a virgin on it, though."