London - (Pie-In-The-Sky): British mortuary slabs everywhere are to be fitted with high tech gizmos designed to detect alien-related contract killings.
The discovery of links between UK UFO sightings and unexplained female murders has confirmed forensick (sic) boffins' worst nightmares.
"We think a rogue craft may be operating," ufology specialist Dr Frank N Stein said today, "stalking peroxide and natural blonds.
"Something about fair-haired females' pheromones is driving their scanners crazy," Stein added enigmatically, "leaving psychic contrails for their killers to stalk."
British police records show over 300 unsolved cases of fair or blond women's murders in a spate of senseless, unexplained and often preposterous circumstances.
Now decades of painstaking research by sleuths in the MoD's Project Slew - er...Blue! - Book division has found algorithm traces connected to the murders.
"It's like some sort of indelible ink is marking these women with a 'target' moniker," Stein's hypothesis continues.
"Next thing you know Wimbledon Common's got yet another blond corpse to add to the tally."
The scientist wants to examine the dental records of all UK lady killers for traces of alien implant antennas.
The Yorkshire Ripper is 109.