The decision to go ahead with Royal condoms for the forthcoming marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton (as reported in these columns in an exclusive yesterday is worrying the Queen.
Children have been asking their parents what condoms are for and have put their parents through embarrassing situations. The Chief Medical Officer has issued the following statement for parents:
'Mothers if asked by their daughters about the use of condoms should refer them to their fathers as this is their business. Boys should also be directed to their fathers. Single parent families, if there is no man available, should advise their children to visit their GP's. In emergency call 999 or visit your local accident & emergency department.'
To the shock of some parents they have discovered that their children already know all about seeds for the garden and erect pricks and orgasms. They know condoms are little gloves to stop seeds growing inside women into babaies. When told this by William the Queen was shocked. 'Perhaps we are a little out of touch' she mused.
But even William is worried by plans that schoolchildren have devised to blow up royal condoms into balloons which will be displayed all along the root from Buck House to the Westminster Abbey Building Society, where the wedding is planned. The Queen's advisers forgot to tell the Royal Party that Abbey is now called Santander Cathedral which is Spanish. Westminter Bank has replaced Abbey for the marriage ceremony.
What has worried Royal Watchers most is that the children intend to burst the ballons as the happy couple pass by - leaving the condoms quite useless and unsuitable souvenirs of the Great Day.
'I wish marriage could avoid matters of a sexual nature altogether' commented Lady in Waiting Dorothy Hewlett-Packard.