Written by THE MORGAN
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Topics: Death, Driving

Monday, 31 January 2011

A 78 year old Birmingham woman was killed yesterday when her car hit a tree off the A34 near Handsworth.

Emily Handlebar-Smythe, a retired baker, was on her way home having spent a leisurely afternoon picking Raspberry's at Mr. Shwaddy McMuckMuck's local farm.

The tragedy comes a year to the day that Mrs. Handlebar-Smythe lost her husband in hauntingly similar circumstances.

Tiffany Bethany Stephanie Molly Polly Dolly Jake Montgomery-Winterbottom-Tiddlebrook-Smythe, her 9 year old sister, told reporters the pair had enjoyed an a pleasant afternoon at the farm which had proven a regular fixture on their calender.

Mrs. Handlebar-Smythe, who was registered disabled when doctors realized she had no legs or arms, and only one ear, had told friends her weekly farm frolics, being dragged around a muddy field with a leash attached to her neck, was a therapeutic method introduced by her bereavement counseolor, and one she had found particularly helpful in overcoming the sudden and tragic death of her husband.

Fighting hard to hold back a smirk, Tiffany described her sister as a "very, very special" individual whom following Jon's murder had shown great determination to ensure each and every one of her remaining days would prove productive, meaningful and fulfilling.

Tiffany underlined Mrs. Handlebar-Smythe's dedication to her testament, describing how on days when Mr. Shwaddy McMuckMuck chose to close the farm so he could "wank more" that her sister was "just as happy being dragged around the Tesco car park" as long as she was picking raspberries.

Young Tiffany saw her sister for the last time when she was dropped off at home on Saturday afternoon after what would prove their last ever wintery adventure.

Speaking of her last time she saw of Emily, Tiffany said "No pun intended but she was caked in mud proudly clasping a handful of pebbles wrapped up in a handkerchief. The last thing she said, was that she was going home to shampoo the car, take a shower, and make a raspberry pie."

The pie would never realize fruition. Her dead body was found by a group of pleasant youths from nearby Lozells during an early hours of the morning stroll. Despite borrowing Mrs. Handlebar-Smythe's cash, credit card, Tom Jones casette, first class stamp and sanitary towel the youngsters were not suspeceted of, or questioned in relation to her murder.

Instead, Police have released a description of a man they would like to question, who was witnessed walking along the A34 happily whistling less than an hour before the womans death. The man is described as casucsaion, between the ages of 30 and 31- dressed impeccably wearing a shirt and tie, formal suit, sensible jacket, polished shoes, carrying a briefcase, and sported "a nice, sensible haircut." Investigators have a strong suspcion that "the man is a bank manager at the local bank."

West Midlands Chief of Police, Detective Alex Higgins confirmed that autopsy reports had shown the cause of death to result from a blow to the back of the head, and blamed "wind, or a slight breeze."

Mrs. Handlebar-Smythe, with her gaping vagina exposed to engine vibrations through the soft fabric of her car seat, was prone to involuntary orgasmic seizures and would often take well advised breaks during journeys. Locals fondly remember passing her by at random junctures, where she would be seen enjoying a cigarette, mopping her sweaty brow and casually waving.

Following the murder, and in the hope of puttting locals minds at rest, Detective Higgins played a video tape of a weather forecast preseneted by Welsh Thames Television Personality and sheep botherer Alwyn Bronwyn Cledwyn Dmitriti Taffy-Evans-Jones-Gwilliam-Morgan-Griffiths-Ramos, who promised "sunny days, today, tomorrow, and forever."

Whilst the murder investigation continues, Mrs.Handlebar-Smyths Ford Cortina is being held in police custody having been charged with affray and denied bail. According to the sole eye witness, a Sparrow with abnormally small legs, a nearby tree made a sarcastic remark at the very moment Mrs. Handlebar-Smythe was murdered, to which the Cortina reacted to, releasing it's hand break and rolling deliberately into the tree causing "canine damage."

Whilst solving the murder remains the police prioity, Detective Higgins insisted the Ford Cortina would be held responsible for hitting the tree, and warned that if the Sparrow refused to stand up in court, he was prepared to call in The Special Branch.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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