Written by Nick Hobbs
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Saturday, 29 January 2011

image for Royal Altercation At Palace Leaves William 'Furious' And Kate Middleton 'Extremely Upset'
Ahhh, but she'll fuck you up!

Prince William is said to be 'furious' after his grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II, allegedly upset his wife-to-be, the commoner Kate Middleton.

The row took place in Buckingham Palace late one evening, sources say, and resulted in Miss Middleton storming out of the room and slamming a door.

The teary-eyed soon-to-be royal was said to be 'inconsolable', and wouldn't tell William what was said. Our source told us "she was weeping and Wills had his arms around her shoulder, but she just kept saying she didn't want to talk about it."

Our source went on "the Queen had been goading her all night, there were countless snide remarks about her background as they sat down for dinner."

"At one point I saw Her Majesty nod at Charles, it was obviously a prearranged instruction to him, to drop some gravy covered peas in to Kate's wine, while she had her head turned. I saw Philip dip his fingers in to his mashed potato, and as he walked behind Kate, pretending to get a glass of brandy from the side, he wiped it in her hair!"

"They also hid her napkin before dinner, and wouldn't let her have another, they said they'd run out, causing her to spill a droplet of gravy on her lovely dress."

The bullying continued right in to dessert. It is alleged that the bruise on Miss Middleton's arm that has appeared recently in various publications, was caused on that evening, when Philip is said to have nudged her off her seat, when William was out of the room.

"I gotta say," our source said "she handled herself with the utmost dignity, and self-respect, and I admire her for that, but the onslaught from all sides was so intense, truly relentless, there was no way she could hold it off for ever. Something had to blow."

And blow it did.

As coffee was being prepared the family moved through to the television room, where they sat down to watch Match Of The Day. It is at this point that Wills left the room to make a telephone call. The exact details of the incident that followed are not clear, as no one staff member was present during the whole affair, but what is known is that her Majesty was heard to say "if you don't treat him right, or you even think of messing with his heart, then I'll fuck you up, like I did Diana!"

It was at this point that Miss Middleton was sent running from the room.

It is thought she eventually came clean to William, and he was seen storming through the palace towards his grandmothers chambers.

Unfortunately our source knocked off then, so we'll have to wait until his next shift to find out what happened.

More as we find out.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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