News International boss, Rupert Murdoch, is reportedly depressed.
It has been a tough time for him. First he discovers that, without his knowledge, some of his journalists on the News of the World have been hacking into voicemails. This has shocked Rupert to the core. 'To think that people acting on my behalf have let me down so badly is very sad' he said 'I have told my pals Hunt and Osborne that I have dealt with with this matter so there is no reason for them to disallow my monopoly of BSkyB.'
Next Rupert has had to deal with the offensive and sexist remarks from his football pundits on Sky Sports which have gained praise from an unwelcome quarter - the National Front. 'How could my people behave in this way?' he told me 'I have been liberating women in the Sun for decades and this offensive language has upset me deeply.'
'It is doubling galling for you Rupert' I simpered 'your trust is abused and your liberation struggle is undermined by your own people. But Sky's profits have really taken off.'
'That is good. I still haven't lost the business flair that made me famous. But I wish I wasn't hated by so many people. Why do people stick with the BBC when they see the wonderful football coverage I give the nation? I want to be respected.'
'Perhaps you need a good cause, Rupert. One that brings tears to people's eyes.'
'Over my dead body!'