Following on from the unveiling of Cheryl Cole's new back tattoo which promises to make her look really wonderful as a millionaire sunbathing pensioner in Monaco in a few decades' time, the National Union of Mentally Perplexed Tattooed Youth - NUMPTY - has launched its new helpline for those who realise what a prat they are when they see their tattoo in the mirror for the first time.
The Union was formed by Mike Ockurtz after he had a large tattoo of the group HearSay tattooed around his body only to find the group disband a little over a year after they were manufactured. As a result, when he now goes sunbathing, anyone in the area totally ignores him because they think the message he gives out is that he's not really genuine and only hear say.
The helpline is staffed by people who know only too well the perils of having a topical tattoo inked on their body. The Union says it has had phone calls from people who have tattooed total disasters on their bodies - from famous couples who divorce, American wrestlers who come out of the closet, to countries that change their name in spectacularly bloodless coups and members of Sugarbabes.
Messages that have sent tattoo owners into total depression over the past few years include "I love Elton and Renata", "Leeds United, Premier Division Champions", "Long Live Idi Amin", "PTO" and even "The Sugarbabes can't half sing".
Mike Ockurtz said that anyone concerned as to how their tattoo might look on their bodies when they grow up or grow old should call free phone 0800 123456 where a deeply sympathetic consultant will take details and then split their sides in merriment with other members of the team after putting the phone down.
Calls may be recorded for broadcast on YouTube for training and humourous purposes. The stupidity of tattoos, especially on females, can go up as well as down.