Ed Miliband is to receive top secret vocal training from a Scottish Politician with an indefatigable nature. That Politician also happens to be a Super Agent who has been a member of the union of The superheroes for 30 years. The superheroes believe that this master of chat is the correct man to teach Ed Miliband about Public Speaking, just like in The King's Speech.
That man is, of course, George Galloway and he will soon set to work instructing Ed on how to win arguments with everyone in the entire world, including members of the American Government.
The first thing George is likely to teach Ed is how to talk with a Scottish Accent, preferably Glaswegian. This is because it is a well known fact that only people with Scottish accents can win battles against the British Government.
He will probably demonstrate this point by showing Ed video footage of Tommy Sheridan during the Poll Tax riots. Then he will go on to show Ed footage of a very strange Australian man pretending to be Scottish in a film called Braveheart.
Both of these films demonstrate examples of how a Scottish accent is the best accent to win an argument, even if its a fake Scottish accent.
The union of superheroes became concerned about Ed Miliband's accent last week during Prime Ministers question time. Even though Ed won the argument against David Cameron hands down, it didn't sound as if he had, because his words weren't delivered forcefully enough.
The Superheroes believe that Ed's voice is just a little bit too squeaky, and that he could benefit from some caledonification. They believe that if Ed adopts a Scottish Accent he should be Prime Minister within 6 months.
But he has to be very careful though, because he doesn't want to get too Scottish. This is because getting too Scottish without actually being Scottish by birth can make people go a bit strange. I refer to my previous example.
Before Mel Gibson adopted a Scottish accent for his role in the film Braveheart, he was a very sane normal person. But afterwards, he was never quite the same. Scientists believe he just couldn't handle the Scottish accent. It happens.
George Galloway and the secret agents are, however, hoping to implement a radical technique to make sure this doesn't happen to Ed. This technique involves Ed having a day off from being Scottish twice a week to pretend to be a Pirate. George Galloway is certain that if this technique can work for Johnny Depp, it can work for Ed the Pirate, Ah har.
By Katarina Frogpond.