A grandma of 32, Muriel Grover of Reading, has made a formal complaint to her local Bobbies and bird protection group about a woodpecker that has been stalking her.
The bird-dubbed the flapping fury by Mrs Grovers neighbors- has been following the 59 year old wherever she strolls, and has made its nest in a large oak tree in her front garden so he can track her every move. And now Muriel Grover is living in fear for her already rubbish existence.
"The next time i leave my home i could be killed, or worse. Murdered." she said whilst weeping onto a strangers groin and scratching her imagination.
Police believe the menacing bird has had it in for Mrs Grover ever since she made a terrible remark about a passing fat kid, that the woodpecker overheard from a nearby branch and assumed she said it about him.
"We believe the menacing bird has had it in for Mrs Grover ever since she made a terrible remark about a passing fat kid, that the woodpecker overheard from a nearby branch and assumed she said it about him." muttered Chief Inspector Thick of the Reading Police Force.
John Posh is the 17 year old unemployed idiot and part time lover of Mrs Grover. He declined to be interviewed by us. Instead he released a 20 second tape of himself laughing in which by the end he keeled over into a big ball of deadness. The postmortem revealed he drowned in his own happiness.
However a Mr Maurice Cackle-Wild, a work colleague of Muriel's at the Lucky Members sauna, revealed the extent of the torment that his precious friend had received.
"Muriel won't even open the curtains anymore, she says, because she knows the little bastard will be there glaring in. He's evil, pure evil. One time she walked to the shops to fetch some eggs, I like eggs, and when she returned she was covered in bird shit, but it wasn't just random dollops, it was shat into the word 'bitch'. Well as you can imagine she was heartbroken. There will be a few phone calls in a day, no words, just heavy breathing, the breath would call about half a time a day. He would constantly make spiteful squawks aimed at Muriel whenever he saw her. Also on one occasion he took all the pepperoni off of a pizza that she had ordered from dominoes."
The Police arrested the bird but realised they were idiots and let it go.