Written by Masheded
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Tuesday, 25 January 2011

image for Jo Yeates Murder: Police Determined To Make Charges Stick
Tabak without his glasses. Police could be onto something

Following the recent arrest of Jo Yeates murder suspect Vincent Tabak, accusations of case mismanagement and suspect intimidation have been levelled at the Police force.

Reports suggest the police have done everything they can to ensure Tabak is presented in a bad light at any prospective legal hearing.

I caught up with Bristol Security Guard Amstel Patel, employed by group 5 to ferry prisoners to and from court. He said:


"The general feeling around the nick is that he made the police look stupid by not confessing straight away, forcing them to pull in Chrissy Jefferies. Of course, they were none too pleased about the media backlash this caused, especially some of the reports in The Spoof. Their now determined to get somebody remanded as quickly as possible to give them some thinking space. One officer said that if they can get Tabak tucked up inside, then they can solve the case at their own leisure."

Although most right thinking people will have no concerns over Tabaks treatment whilst in custody, Police seem to be walking a very thin line in some of the alleged underhand tactics being employed. Amstel Patel went on to say:

Duck Pond

"The coppers have been doing everything they can to thwart him getting bail. When he arrived they told him to strip in order to get forensic tests done on his clothes. But rather than giving him a nice white paper suit to wear, they swapped his clobber with a homeless guy in the next cell who was in for washing in the local duck pond. Let me tell you, the homeless guy was none to pleased."

But according to our source, the police didn't just stop there:

In the frame

"The moment he was taken into custody, the police took his glasses, saying that they too needed to be tested. They then wasted no time in getting him in for interview. You gotta laugh. God only knows what he's signed since he's been there. I wouldn't be surprised if the police clear up a lot of unsolved murders on the back of this arrest. I've even heard them saying of trying to get a Scottish judge, so he won't understand a word of what's going on either."

When asked to respond to the spoofs revelations on the treatment of the suspect, the police refused to comment. But Spoof hack Masheded was outside the station when D.C.I Carver was arriving to start his shift. He said:

"Look, we know we didn't get off to a great start with this case, but were doing the best we can. We admit we should have probably spent more time looking for the murderer rather than the sock and the pizza. But anyone who thinks he's innocent ought to come and take a look at him. It's true we took his glasses for examination, but we never took his clothes."


"One of my colleagues was watching superman four at the weekend. That's when we had this new angle on it. Everybody knows we haven't been able to positively ID anybody from CCTV, but if superman can disguise himself with nothing but a pair of posh glasses, then why not the murderer? We found some NHS specs in the lost property. He should be grateful. Seeing as he's a Dutch national he doesn't really qualify for health care, so we make him sign them in and out every time he leaves his cell." DCI Carver inexplicably sniggered at this point and added:

"If he's got bad eyes, he should have them out."

As the nation holds its collective breath, all involved hope the police will eventually get the right man. And find the missing pizza.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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