Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Topics: Health, Doctors

Monday, 24 January 2011

In an ongoing trial, some 6,000 patients from Cornwall, Kent, and East London, who are known to have long term illnesses, are having to email in their symptoms rather than get an appointment to see a qualified doctor.

It is the intention of those behind the scheme that soon it will be extended to include patients suffering very serious conditions such as heart failure, and various lung diseases.

Someone who could possibly be having a heart attack could simply be asked to measure their own blood pressure and then send off the results. How N. I. C. E. ?!

NHS spokesperson Dr. Darkness explained how the scheme was necessary in order to save the NHS at least a £1billion pounds over the next year, money which could be put to much better use elsewhere.

"It is impossible to say yet how many of the initial 6, 000 patients on the trial will directly die by taking part in the trial," she stressed, "but realistically even if the whole 6,000 were to die during the next twelve months that would unlikely be enough to reach the full £1 billion savings we're determined to achieve. However, we didn't feel we could get away with this by bringing it in across the whole country straight away - we plan to do that a bit later when the media are focussing on something else such as the royal wedding in April."

Leaning across to speak to me confidentially Dr. Darkness asked in a whisper, "Can you keep a secret?"

I assured her Tommy Twinkle is no 'leakylips'.

Still whispering in my left ear she revealed, "We, re not only intending to target the vulnerable elderly members of our society with this sleight of hand scheme being presented to the nation as care. The purpose behind it isn't to save money but to reduce the world's population you see. Of course the elderly don't generally do much in the way of breeding. What we need to do is to kill off lots of the younger people before they've started to have children. So in a few months time we're hoping that swine flu thing will really kick in and we'll make sure most of the young people with it don't get to see a doctor in time for anything to be done to save them."

Mmmmmm. . . . Is Tommy Twinkle spraying a lot of Tommy Tinkle here? Have a nice day readers !

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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