Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Sex

Monday, 24 January 2011

A woman from a council estate in Barrow in Furness - alleged by neighbours to be a 'cougar' - a sexual predator with designs of a carnal nature on younger males - today issued a statement from the pathway of her dwelling to two little kids playing on the street on bicycles and a man passing by with a bag of shopping.

Enthusidee Fellatricio, originally from Venezuela, walked up her garden path, plainly bra-less wearing a loose fitting slightly damp tee-shirt, stiletto heels, black fishnet stockings and a garter belt.

Reading from a carefully pre-scripted script, she announced to nobody in particular:

"I no cougar. Is all lies. I never did what they said I did with young Trevor from number seventeen in me kitchen. It just not possible. Is merely flight of fancy. Table bit rickety, with wobbly legs. Is fantasy. Table would have collapsed. Very improbable."

As Enthusidee launched into her statement, one or two people stopped to have a look and a listen, but the reaction generally was one of indifference. However, the rant went on:

"I no do what them say with Gordon from number ninety nine and Gerrard from number fifty one. Think about it before you judge me! I am respectable woman. It make no sense that I make nasty sandwich with these boys - even for fifty squids and a bottle of White Lightning. I no have use for GG's - me not a gambling woman. You people can be so judgemental!"

As the rant continued, passer by Fred Olsen said:

"What's she on about now? She's completely mental that woman - she tried to suck me off last week in the snug at the Dog And Duck. Wouldn't normally have bothered me, to be honest, but I was playing cribbage at the time, and I had a good hand."

By the time Enthusidee finished her name and shame rant, which was largely ignored anyway, it transpired that the only child/youth in the neighbourhood who she didn't actually admit to having sexual congress with, in one way or another was young Timmy Trickett from number fourteen, who is only nine. She insisted that the other boys involved were all over the age of consent.

And that she could happily wait another six years for Timmy Trickett's patronage.

Euthisidee then headed back indoors, but stumbled and fell, banging her head on a concrete step. An ambulance was called and she was taken away for her own good.

An unnamed doctor at Barrow in Furness hospital told us that he doubted she'd be discharged because she's stark raving bonkers, and that she'd probably have to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act and handcuffed to a radiator for her own good. At least for the foreseeable future.

No news yet on Mrs Fellatricio's missing husband, or the seventeen young lads aged 16-18 who are still waiting patiently at her house for their tea.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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