Written by queen mudder
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Friday, 28 January 2011

image for 'Veteran sex bomb' Julie Burchill about to step into Andy Coulson's shoes?
In her yoof she used to be a stunna...

London - (Hackers): A leather-jacketed biker chick pic of Burchill used to hang in Conservative Party HQ during the 1980s, admittedly at least 50lb and four dress sizes ago.

Mrs Thatcher's grandees were cock-a-hoop about a newspaper column she wrote praising invading Russian forces as a civilising influence over backward local Afghani savages, the Mujahideen.

"Our members swelled with pride each time we gassed - er... passed! - that Central Orifice portrait," Obergruppenf├╝hrer Lord Tebbit once said, "the gal's a corker with oodles of spunk."

This week the controversial militant feminist is being tipped to take over from Andy Coulson as the next No 10 spin doctor.

The rumor has raised a quite a few eyebrows in Whitehall given a colorful background and myriad dectractors convinced her ample 15-stone frame 'would make David Cameron's government look like a joke'.

But Burchill is a born-again dynamo - ready to take the Tories by storm and clean up the taint of the Coulson telephone hacking affair.

Gone, she says, are those 80s wildchild days when a penchant for drugs saw her 'put enough toot up (her) admittedly sizeable snout to stun the entire Colombian armed forces.'

As a fifty-something, maybe gay, wannabe-Jewish hackette she's now pretty much mainstream.

A popular, in-yer-face broadsheet column - and much-touted loathing of Cherie Blair sister Lauren Booth - add to an already pretty impressive CV.

Admittedly many Tories still see her as a loose cannon who's been highly ranked in Channel 4's poll of 100 Worst Britons.

Last week novelist Will Self was quoted as saying that she 'beautifully articulates the inarticulate sentiments and prejudices of her readers' - qualities not necessarily incompatible with doing Andy Coulson's job.

Whether she can pass the Sam Cam test remains a problem, of course.

"Julie Burchill is not a contender for the position of the government's Director of Communications," a worried No 10 spokesman said today.

"Sounds like some sort of bollocks spoof."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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