Written by Masheded
Print this

Thursday, 20 January 2011

image for Jo Yeates Murder: Police still baffled
Chris Jefferies in his college days

Police today confirmed they have arrested a 32 year old man from the same building as the one at the centre of the Jo Yeates case. Avon and Somerset officers are remaining tight lipped about any further information about the suspect, but my sources inside the investigation team have given a compelling insight into the progress of the case.


"From the beginning we knew this was a complicated case. At first we thought it was attempted suicide, and were working on the theory that she was walking to the Cliffton Suspension Bridge, but just couldn't make it through the cold weather due to forgetting her coat and shoes.
But we quickly ruled this out and disciplined the Officer who suggested it."

Jo, dubbed Bristol's "missing pizza girl", was reported missing on 17th of December by her boyfriend Greg Reardon, from whom police have been able to glean useful clues over the recent weeks.

My source went on to say:

"We've spent a lot of time with the boyfriend having some nice cosy chats in the cells. We squeezed his testicles really hard, and gave him Chinese burns for a few days, and were able to rule him out. Normally we'd give him a proper good hiding just to be sure, but we knew he'd be on telly at some point later on. He told us that Jo would never eat frozen pizza straight from the freezer, using the box as a kind of taco wrap, even if she hadn't stopped for lunch that day. She may have dropped it on the way home. That would explain the missing pizza of course, but not the sock. He doesn't ever remember her eating socks. "


Teams of police have so far searched in vain for the missing clues, and admit they are running out of patience with the case:

"At first the lads were happy to get some extra hours at this time of year. A load of the boys volunteered to come in on Christmas day, and we all went to the local golf course for a quick round. Nobody made it past hole eleven by the time we got the report that a body had been found, so we when we added up the score cards PC Mallard was 3 under. Needless to say the drinks were on him. But its beginning to get a bit boring. A colleague even went to Tesco and bought a pizza, saying he found it in a hedge. Someone will probably find it walking their dog anyhow."


Although nobody has yet been charged with her murder, Police have not been idle in their search for suspects. My man told me:

"Standard procedure in cases like this is to round up and question all the black fellas first, but they all seemed to have solid alibis for that day. Needless to say we were stumped. Then one of the boys radioed in from the canteen. He'd been watching the TV having his bait and saw this right creepy fella on Sky News, and it turns out he's her landlord."


Investigators thought this was the break they had been waiting for, and wasted no time in arresting Jo's landlord, Chris Jefferies. My source said:

"Course at this point we knew we had our man. It was late in the shift, so we waited for the relief to turn up and told them to bring him in. We questioned him for several days, which gave us the chance to examine his poo. Forensics have drawn a blank, and came up with nothing but a hand full of tomato seeds and some chewing gum. It turns out he didn't see 3 people outside that night, and was just confused over an episode of Eastenders that he was watching around the same time."

But it seems Chris Jefferies' troubles had only just begun, as he received un-precedented media exposure following his arrest.


"Of course Chris Jefferies, or Chrissy as we like to call him, turned out to be a real nice bloke. When we eventually told him we didn't really believe he could have done it, we all had a really good laugh about it. Looking back, we should have used some common sense. Chrissy looks like a child molester, not a murderer. Naturally he's gonna wanna sell up and move on now, so me and the boys wanted to show a bit of good will. Were all doing a bit of moonlighting and gonna paint the place up real nice for him. Daves mates putting the scaffolding up today, and we got some nice big tarpaulin to shield us from the cameras. We don't want to be broadcast all over the canteen, do we?"


Although Police have made a further arrest today, that of Jo's neighbour Vincent Tabak, they have not yet issued an official statement connecting him with the case. However, my man was able to be a lot more candid about the new developments. He said:

"As your aware, we've arrested a bloke today who lives opposite the victim. We nearly choked on our kebabs when we heard the media had reported him as a suspect. He''s Dutch, and everybody knows were looking for a Hawaiian. It turns out he's an architect and did a bit of design on one of Chrissy's other properties, and the extension needed piling. When the whole thing started to sink, it cost Chrissy a lot of money, what with the insurance not paying out and all, so we've brought the guy in to straighten him out. Will nick him for something. The lads are looking over the cold cases with him now. Its the least we can do for Chrissy."

So as the investigation continues with no conclusion in sight, Police have urged people to stay on the look out while walking their dogs, and not to go out at all in the Bristol area unless absolutely necessary.

(if it made you grin, give me sum thumbs)

Make Masheded's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 5 multiplied by 5?

9 6 25 17
69 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more