Police in Greater Manchester are investigating an incident in the Urmston area of the city in which a gay couple were awoken during the early hours of Thursday morning to the exhilarating sound of their back doors being kicked in.
Larry Sabu, 20, and his homosexual partner, Ned Biggun, 18, were soundly asleep when, from the very depths of their rear of their property, came a sound almost too chilling to recount. Said Larry:
"It was a horrible gurgling sound, a rumbling, rushing, crashing, banging, throbbing sound, and it was coming from the other side of my back gate."
The bent bloke ran downstairs as fast as he could, but woofters are notoriously slow runners, and the invaders escaped without detection. Not before they had caused many pounds' worth of damage, however, and the hapless gay pair spent all the next day at the garden centre choosing a new fence.
Larry was later more philosophical about the incident. He said:
"Unfortunately, it's just one of those things, I suppose, and indicative of the depraved society we live in today. I've had my back doors kicked in more times than I'd like to remember, but this was the first time I'd had to go to the garden centre to replace them!"