Falling congregations have forced the Church of England to scrap the controversial membership scheme that was brought in last year.
The membership fees which ranged from the £100 per year one star service (To be thought of kindly come judgement day) to the £10,000 a year Gold five star plus service (Guaranteed entry to the Kingdom of Heaven with no questions asked and a free weekly entry into the sainthood lottery) are to be replaced with the old system of voluntary contributions of foreign coins and old buttons in the collection box each Sunday.
He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.
"We had hoped that the membership scheme would prove more popular than it has been" said a spokesman for the nation's largest property holder. "But sadly it failed to catch the public's imagination".
I'm Brian, and so is my wife
In order to compensate for the lost revenue, it is thought that the church will be increasing not only it's hatching, matching and dispatching fees, but will also be increasing the emergency call out charge for out of hours vicars that has remained at the same level since 2003.