Thames Valley Police this evening disclosed that a suspected anarchist has handed himself in at Reading police station, following a dismal failure to spread murder and mayhem around central London and the home counties.
It was announced that the suspect was an embittered media studies student who had grown tired of life, and seeing no tangible prospect of any kind of future, decided instead to inflict carnage upon his fellow citizens.
The student, who has not yet been named by police, is reported to have consulted the internet via a PC at his local library, with a view to constructing potentially lethal pipe bombs, which he intended to detonate surreptitiously.
His objective was to inflict carnage on the public, rather than destroy or damage property.
However, upon consulting the internet and a variety of sources, the student couldn't find any information on pipe bomb construction, just information about Meerschaums, briar pipes, clay pipes, and some old television adverts for St Bruno pipe tobacco on You Tube.
Although frustrated, the disgruntled student demonstrated dogged determination by running web searches for suicide bombing techniques. A senior police officer explained how the student baulked at the prospect of a suicide bombing mission, with the realisation that any such mission could only be successfully executed once.
It is said that the student became agitated, because he had it in mind to target both The Chelsea Flower Show, and The Ideal Homes Exhibition. With the dawning comprehension that he couldn't possibly target both, he became depressed and morose after further reading on the net, that suicide bombers invariably blow their own heads off, and that forensic law enforcement officers can ascertain a suicide bombing has taken place, if they find a detached head, some 30-50 metres from the site of the original detonation.
In confined circumstances, such as a public transport scenario, it is still a given that a detached head will be discovered.
The student decided that probably his best option was to turn himself over to the police and apologise for being naive in the extreme.