Wiltshire, London suburbs, England-A tired and unhappy horse did the unthinkable this week, throwing Madonna The Material Girl Ciccone Richie for a loss.
The horse, who wishes to remain anonymous, told the Daily Mirror, "She's fat, she's lazy, she doesn't sit still and she doesn't know how to handle a fine English stallion like me. She has so little experience handling real horses it hurts me to contemplate her bareback riding style which is more mulish than show horse."
In response, Madonna filed a Criminal Complaint at the local Constable's Office. "This is the most dangerous horse I have ever ridden in my entire life. He's likely to hurt someone else unless something is done promptly. I say hee, he goes haw. I tell him gee. He gives me jaw. Right there you know he is not listening. Then there was his Shanghai Surprise. He reared up and kicked like a jack hammer. He totally Swept Me Away. I have three cracked ribs, a busted collarbone and a broken hand and, right now, I would prefer to Die Another Day."
Her husband, the director Guy Richie, derided the claim the horse made to the police and the media by pointing out, "He's slow. He doesn't listen. And he doesn't take direction."
Police Inspector Gadget told reporters, "Madonna was alone with the horse. There are no witnesses so it's her word against that of the stallion, who has problems with proper English. This is going to take sorting out. We shall continue the investigation, but let me tell you laddies, it doesn't look good for either Madonna or the Horse. Based on my long experience in such contentious situations, I would hazard to guess neither is as innocent as they claim. It's just common horse sense."
Outside the Constable's office Madonna complained, "This is going to put a crimp in my style. My carefree days of dancing until I'm Blue In The Face are over."
Passers by in the quiet London exurb were heard to ask, "Who's That Girl?" One alleged eyewitness reported seeking a man looking suspiciously like Ja Rule run behind the bushes. Another reported someone resembling Sean Penn making a movie in the vicinity. A third reported someone shouting, "I am Sam. I am Sam." over and over and over again.
An adjuster from Madonna's Insurance Company claimed he was investigating and Desperately Seeking Susan, another alleged eyewitness.
Madonna is expected to spend two to three months recuperating from her injuries with her family, Guy, Lourdes and Rocco constantly at her side. Someone was heard singing, "We Are Family," breathlessly out the rear window.
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