A team of law lords decided today mass murderer Peter Sutcliffe will never be released from prison unless he cuts his hair. They said that to release him today would be an unfathomable crime against modern day society.
One Law Lord the right honourable Cecil Grumpychops said: 'Since his incarceration Mr Sutcliffe has never updated his hair style and his clothes look like the wardrobe from the Sweeney. We must consider the safety of the populace and therefore Sutcliffe needs to stay behind bars.'
In the 70's Sutcliffe committed a string of murders and kept the police guessing for quite some time until his capture. He would lure his victim's home with his disco impression of John Travolta in 'Grease,' gyrating his hips and pointing in the air. After lulling his victim in to a false sense of security he would turn around on the spot and then bludgeon them with a claw hammer.
Sutcliff's solicitor Mr Jeremy Bamber QC said: 'Sutcliffe is fine now and over that past episode. My client has a right to his 70's hair, his platform shoes and his flared collars and this should not be an issue regarding his freedom.'
Protesters appeared outside the court with placards saying 'NO 70's flares' and 'Cut your hair or stay in there.' One protester said: 'I remember him from the TV footage back in the day. If he thinks he can just come out of jail and step back into his Ford Cortina he should think again.'