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Wednesday, 12 January 2011

image for Tea Towels to Return to Royal Wedding Kitsch List
Ermine out, Essex in as Royal Wedding Souvenirs Ramp Up

In a rapid about face, Buckingham Palace has announced it will launch an entire range of collectible tea towels to mark the monarchy saving wedding of Prince William and Catherine 'that's not Kate to you' Middleton.

Originally, commemorative souvenirs were to to be limited to 'tasteful, modern' items like mouse pads, hoodies and condoms.

But bowing to the aging baby boom generation, the Palace is now preparing to add to the ranks of expensive useless wedding gee gaws and doo dads with a series of junky tat that appeals to sentimental old people with lots of dusty shelves at home.

"Old people like crap," said Palace spokesman Sir Hamish Snobworth 1 to VII. "They feel it is their sovereign duty to fill their homes with pointless knick knacks that will make it even harder to clear out those homes after they die. And, in that spirit, who are we not to make a shilling or two off it?"

But mindful of the Royal Mint coin that spawned the conviction Prince William is marrying Shrek, there will be no faces on the new tea towels, but rather a range of symbols that evoke the Royal Family. So far, officials have approved a stylised intertwined tampon and fag to for Charles and Camilla and a daintily embroidered tire skid surrounded by sun bursts in silver thread, representing camera flashes, in honour of Diana, Princess of Wales, who by Prince William's decree must be present at the circus.

Still unconfirmed at present are reports the couple will webcast their wedding night. The option opened up after the Wales Jr. declined an offer to do a wedding night spread in Hello!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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