London, England - Kate Middleton has broken off her engagement to Prince William. Ms. Middleton says she has recently learned some upsetting facts about married life, and there is one thing she simply refuses to do. She has informed the Royal Family of her decision, and she has also decided to explain things to the public.
"I won't do 'it'." stated Ms. Middleton to the press. "It's too degrading. It's too crude, and it's just plain disgusting! I'll never do 'it'!" said the raven-haired beauty, with tears in her eyes.
When someone from the press asked her what 'it' was, Ms. Middleton developed the vapours, and fainted briefly. She stood up again, and tried to answer the question.
"'It' is what tarts do. 'It' is what slatterns do. I'm not a bad girl, so I will never do 'it'". she whispered shyly. Her face turned crimson at the very idea of 'it'.
The Queen did try to advise Kate, before she made her announcement, but it was useless.
"Do it for Great Britain!" suggested the Queen. "Close your eyes, hold your breath, and think of England. It only takes a few seconds in the Windsor family." she confided.
Prince William was heartbroken by the end of the engagement, but decided to make the best of it.
"All that melodrama, just to get a single kiss from Kate!"