Written by armfeetandtoe
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Topics: God, Fat, insurance

Saturday, 8 January 2011

image for 70 Stone man sues God
Mr Rolsafat trying not to strain

The worlds heaviest man, Tiny Rolsafat, is making history by bringing a law suit against the Church of England. If the Law Lords find in favour of Mr Rolsafat it could open the flood gates for billions of pounds in claims from the general public.

Mr Rolsafat claims that on Wednesday 4th of January 2011, a minor earthquake shook the north of England. The epicentre of the quake was around the Harrogate area where Mr Rolsafat lives.
Mr Rolsafat was lying on his bed, a very expensive reinforced steel framed divan, which is fitted with a ripple mattress.

Because Mr Rolsafat is bed ridden, and can only be moved with a hoist, he must arrange for his carer to move him to the bathroom at the same time every day to prevent soiling his bed.

On this particular day, Mr Rolsafat was about to be hoisted when the minor earthquake struck. The quake lasted less than 30 seconds but the ensuing vibration was enough to cause Mr Rolsafats bowels to open and cause what his carer described as; "An avalanche of shit that no human being has ever witnessed."

The bedroom was destroyed and the methuen gas caused an explosion that damaged surrounding property and killed some wildlife.

Mr Rolsafat had to be hosed down by the fire brigade before being hoisted onto the back of a flatbed truck and taken to the local hospital to have his gaping anus sewn up.

When Mr Rolsafat contacted his insurance company, they told him the earthquake was an act of God, and therefore he could not claim on his insurance policy. Mr Rolsafat instucted his Lawyer to bring an action against the Church of England because they claim they are Gods representatives on earth.

Mr Rolsafat is a confirmed Christian and therefore, believes that God caused the earthquake, but no malice was intended with regard to him shitting all over his house, carer and neighbourhood.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, released the following statement.

"The church and I sympathise with Mr Rolsafat and his plight. However, I spoke to God this morning in pray and he denies all knowledge of causing an earthquake. No court in the land will question the honesty of God. I believe, and God is in agreement, that this was the work of the Devil, and therefore, Mr Rolsafat needs to contact the relevant representatives.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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