Environmental food officers raided an East End Barber shop today after members of the public voiced concerns about the taste of meat pies being sold at the premises.
The shop, "Gawd Blimey Todds" in the Bethnal Green road, has been selling hot meat pies to its clients for over 100 years. The pies are made in the basement of the premises.
Current Owner, Sweeny, said: "Its all bin a lot of bovver an fuss abart nuffin, we ave made them pies the same way for over one undred yers, an the recipe as never fukin changed. Me great grandmuvver and er muvva, used the same methods as we do today."
When asked about the recipe, Sweeny had this to say:
"We only uses fresh meat, and wot appens is this, I wait for a yung geezer to cum in, an wen ees all relaxed, send im darn the basement where me bruvver, Swiny, minces him up and puts only the best bits in the pies. I fink, wot as appened, is, me bruvver has sent darn a french geezer, an cos them frogs likes thier garlic, it has made the pies taste funny. I knew not to leave that prat of a bruvver of mine in charge, dozy bastard."
Our stunned reporter asked the environmental officer, Oliver Twist, if they had found human remains in the basement.
"Yes we have, an its all above board, not a thing out of place, the pie making area is spotless, don't know what we are doing here."
Are you going to report the human remains to the police?!
"What for? There's no law bin broken here mate, I think some of them punters must of had a bad batch of pies. This is the East End mate, people are very touchy about their food, don't like change."
The Spoof News Editor, Mark Scrooge contacted Bethnal Green police station and related our story about the barber shop.
Chief Inspector Bumble made the following statement:
"My officers an I do get discounted hair cuts at Sweeny's barber shop, and, we do pay for our pies to be delivered. But, I do not think it is in the public interest to investigate whether Sweeny and his brother have been using dodgy meat. I am satisfied with the explanation about the French bloke, an we know it wont happen again."
Before leaving Bethnal Green, Our Spoof reporter asked a local man if he knew about human remains being used in meat pies.
"Oh yer, bin eatin them since I wos a nipper, everyone rand ere as a meat pie even the tarts! You should go to the Pie an Mash shop mate, they use dogs an cats in their pies."