Written by Proffitt
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Topics: Obesity

Friday, 7 January 2011

image for Britain's fattest man eats his way out of house and home
Mark aged 7

Mark Paulson, 50, is officially the fastest man in Britain topping the scales at some 70 stone and now it appears he's putting on weight, again.

Paulson, who recently appeared in a TV documentary, has apparently started to eat his own furniture and home! A friend of Mark's said; 'Yes its true, Mark is currently munching his way through his leather sofa, the one he purchased just last month in the popular half price sale that never ends.'

Other residents living in Mark's street have spoken of the fact he has started to eat the curtains and shelving in the property and some say even the walls. One resident said: 'If he's taken to munching his retaining walls he must be shitting bricks at the thought of his house falling down.'

Mark's friend went on to add; 'the house munching started when a chicken vindaloo failed to arrive one day from the local tandoory. Mark was so hungry having not eaten for 20 minutes he took to the Formica shelf above his head. After developing a taste for furniture and hearing nothing about his failed delivery from the Taj Mahal take away he has since continued to trough on his abode.

We contacted the Taj Mahal to enquire whey they hadn't delivered Mark's Vindaloo and a spokesman Mr Mahat Macoat Magloves said: Mark has run up a bill of some £1500 over the last month and he needs to pay that off before he gets any more scran from here.

We tried to interview Mark today but he ate our digital recorder!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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