Royal Handbag Holder and consort Phil the Greek wandered into another controversy. He was told by his handlers that Charlotte Church had claimed that the Queen is "an old woman who has no idea what is going on". Nonagenarian Phil immediately rallied to the defence of his forgetful spouse with this spirited reply:
"Dash it all chaps - of course we all know that she's an old woman but she's my old woman. And she is the head of the Church so I don't undersand this right royal rumpus. Bit hard of hearing and all that y'know "
24-year-singer Charlotte Church risked upsetting the Royal Family when she told a magazine: "I've met her about seven times and she never remembers me. When you get close to her you realize she's an old woman and has no idea what's going on."
Queen of Queens, Sir Elton John agreed with Charlotte adding his tuppence worth:
"She's done the same thing to me. Every time we meet she thinks I'm Barbara Cartland and comments on my eye make-up. It's a bit of a Queen rivalry going on between us".
Miss Church also said this of the Queen:
"I feel really sorry for her. She probably doesn't want to be wheeled out at every Royal Variety Performance to watch scantily clad dancers and s****y comedians."
To which old Phil said:
"Well they've been wheeling me out in a wheelie bin for the past 20 years and I've had no problem with that. I still enjoy scantily clad dancers. Not much else happening in one's life nowadays y'know ;) [nudge-nudge, wink-wink]"