Written by Deafo
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Tuesday, 4 January 2011

image for Tramps scouring Exeter's rubbish mountains lambast Jamie Oliver
A scene from one the many mountain hideouts

Tramps scouring the many rubbish mountains that have formed across Exeter due to a lack council collections over the Christmas period have voiced outrage at the number of unwanted Jamie Oliver '30 minute cook books' being recovered.

They say the publication mocks their plight as they scavenge amongst piles of waste for things often as vital as the calorie that's the difference between further scavenging or a pained death at an undisclosed height above sea level.

Tramp aficionado, Charlie Chalk said, 'When you are freezing and hungry, rummaging through bins containing some of the most unspeakable of things, the final straw is to stumble upon that wretched little scroat telling you how quickly you can cook up a right old mess if only you had two things you didn't have.'

'Patience for Jamie Oliver, and food.'

'Needless to say that rubbish mountain can cut a lonely place when what you think is a box of chocolates turns out to be one of his 30 minute cook books.'

'I hope he's happy. Its clear from the number of copies found he had already broken the dreams of lots of hopeful people this Christmas way before he turned his fire on the dreams of the hopeless.'

'I would rather eat my future meals off the inside of Colonel Gaddafi's boxers than have to handle another one of those blasted books.'

There are concerns the situation could be exacerbated further with the TV Chefs new year ad campaign for J Sainsbury's expected to finally lead viewers to warm to his message of weight loss by shedding themselves of any product bearing a remote association to the Essex earsore.

One unnameable tramp was however, more than happy with the arrangements as they stood.

'The level of contempt for the guy is huge. It has made me feel wanted at a time of year where nothing could be further from the truth.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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