Sandringham, Norfolk - (Aneurysms): The imminent solar eclipse is playing havoc with the Queen, who has been diagnosed Whorse de Combat with congenital swine flu.
Palace physicians fear her Circle of Wallis arteries at the base of the brain have become so inflammatory they are showing signs of subclavian steal syndrome.
The morbid condition 'steals' bloodlines to preserve haemoglobin supplies during coronal mass ejection phases, typically triggered by solar plasma aurora storms.
"Could be the end of the bloody Merovingian line at last," Royal Freak Hospital emeritius professor of psychobabble Dr Einstein Flintstone commented today, "damned stupid name for an underground tube network."
Tuesday's solar eclipse sees HM hunkered down in Sandringham's panic room where royal astrologers are plotting planetary transits of potential Venous Thrombosis occultations.
These deliver precision-engineered clots to the royal household during annual solstices and equinoxes.
The last time one of these threatened the royal gravy train saw the Old Queen Mum's surgical removal from a Cuntts & Co safety deposit box.
A cache of Angolan blood diamonds and five kilos of enriched uranium were hastily confiscated before the old dear was humanely put down with a shot of ketamine.
The partial solar eclipse takes place at 9.02GMT tomorrow.