Written by Arnie the Barbarian
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Topics: Ireland, water

Monday, 3 January 2011

It was announced this morning by Seamus McTootlepootle, the Chairman and MD of Irish Water PLC, that the cases of fluid deprivation recently experienced by millions will be temporarily eased by the timely and selfless actions of a group of philanthropic Irish industrialists.

Chairman of the Irish victuallers association, Fergal O'Spunkbubble, confirmed that following some tired and emotional discussions between his members and certain red nosed members of the government, Jameson's Whisky will soon be available in 5 litre flagons free of charge to any adult who asks for it.

Due to concerns that a whisky hangover might adversely affect children's ability to pay attention at school and their ability to run away from the local catholic priest if he got his willy out again, the Guinness family have agreed to give away water butts full of their black nectar as a softer option for juveniles.

Responding to criticism from Alcoholics Anonymous and from a number of other substance abuse and children's charities, Mr. O'Spunkbubble said he was sick and tired of the negativity of a bunch of left wing goody goodies from "the mainland" who had no idea of the hardship being experienced every day by those who had no water supplies at present.

He stated that to reduce the damage caused by the intake of huge quantities of booze, the victuallers association had come up with a new recipe for the general public called "Whisky and Guinness Mash" where potatoes are marinaded in Guinness and then boiled in Jameson's producing a very tasty mashed potato requiring only the addition of a dollop of Kerrygold.

He said that the starch from the potatoes would soak up the alcohol thus preventing any possible liver and kidney damage which might otherwise be caused by drinking 10 litres of spirits a day. By a strange coincidence, the best things to drink with this new example of Haute Cuisine turn out to be Jameson's or Guinness.

The government have agreed to allow the cost of the scheme as a tax loss for the companies concerned, and Mr. O'Spunkbubble pooh-poohed suggestions that this was just a scheme to addict the population to alcohol at a stroke, telling reporters "We're already a Nation of fat drunken oafs, so this should make no appreciable difference".

When asked to comment, David Cameron, man of the people, said "I met an Irishman once and he made a very nice job of tarmacking my drive".

Mr. McTootlepootle also said he fully expected his company to resume the supply of water as soon as global warming was sorted out and normal rainfall was resumed. He expected this to be about lunchtime next Wednesday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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