London, England---Prime Minister Tony Blair has been informed of numerous, vocal complaints about British jails, with people comparing them to Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay, two infamous American prison hideaways.
In response, PM Blair has decided to investigate the alleged deplorable prison conditions.
His first comment upon exiting Belmarsh prison was, "What a dump! I have never experienced such confining conditions in my life. Living here is worse than living in a snake pit, let me tell you. If I had any choice in the matter, I would prefer to sleep in Sherwood Forest or some other quiet spot for a couple of nights."
"I am lucky I am not a criminal," he told reporters. "Certainly, I wouldn't want to be incarcerated and I surely wouldn't want to be locked in some miserable British jail. You just have no freedom at all, no privacy whatsoever and you constantly get ordered about all the time."
"The conditions are miserable. Tiny little rooms with few amenities and convicted criminals as company. The British public pays guards to watch these common miscreants 24/7 so that they don't do naughty things, but watching common riffraff pretend they are civilized is one of the most unrewarding jobs I have ever had the privilege of not engaging in full time and all the closed circuit tv helps to relieve the tension not one jot."
"The reason there's lots of time to talk to psychologists, psychiatrists and other prison personnel is because Britain pays well to know why stupid people do stupid things."
At Channings Wood, the Prime Minister checked out the sorry prison yard. A group of men standing about idly were firmly told by a guard to stop milling about and look "sharp laddies."
Prime Minister Blair even went so far as to eat several meals in indifferent prison messes. "The food is not what I would call enticing. It's institutional pap fit for institutions because this is what can be cooked in prison facilities. Prisoners who want home cooking are going to have to go home."
"You're supposed to be miserable. It goes against the grain to look upon British prisons as housing for malcontents. The theory is you're not supposed to want to come back."
At Strangeways, Mr. Blair was seen talking to several inmates. They had many, many complaints and the gripe session began to run late. He was forced to call for a secretary to write everything down.
Then he left in a chauffeur driven, armored Rolls that speed off into the night.