Written by Deafo
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Saturday, 1 January 2011

image for Hugh Heffner up-sells monogamy
'The lifeblood of monogamy'

Hugh Heffner, the 84-year-old founder of sex, has used the announcement of his third marriage to up-sell the important role monogamy has played in encouraging sex starved men to make him the lecherous multi-millionaire he is today.

In a message to his Twitter followers on Christmas Day, Heffner confirmed he and his 24-year-old girlfriend, model Crystal Harris, would soon be contributing to a marital farce akin to an AIDS flavoured condom.

The soft porn magnate said, 'Monogamy has played a huge part in my success so naturally it is very important to me.'

'I dread to think where I would be without it. There is certainly no way I would have been able to make Playboy the most artistic wank mag since the Karma Sutra without the sexual frustrations of those men short sighted enough to commit to one person for the rest of their lives.'

'If it wasn't for them I'd probably still be that washed up bum who was stealing the panties from your mothers washing line.

'Thankfully, because of these monogamous types, I now have enough money to pay someone else to go and steal them for me.'

Heffner went on to express some previously held views on marriage and revealed what had changed to make him commit to monogamy for the third time.

'I always used to think a wife was just an expensive prostitute who gave you lip instead of head.'

'But now I think I was mistaken. I believe that being married just makes you more desirable to other women, as soon as they think they can't have you, they want you more than ever.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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