An elderly woman has narrowly escaped being beaten to death by her only son-in-law, after simmering family tensions reached boiling point over the Christmas holiday. Only a phone call to the Samaritans, followed by the swift intervention of a police armed response unit, saved the day.
The mother-in-law, Maria-Luciana Silverspoon, aged 78, is now safely ensconced back in her warden-controlled house, seemingly with little insight either into what a dire situation she caused, or how near to death she came.
Meanwhile, the son-in-law, Sidney Bollocks, has been released by police, after accepting a caution regarding adequate psychological preparation for mother-in-law visits, advice on removing all sharps and blunt objects from around the house and the benefits of using sedatives, washed down with copious amounts of alcohol, prior to each visit.
When interviewed by our reporter, Mr Bollocks said "For years she has given me nothing but shit. I was never good enough to marry her daughter, I never had a 'proper' job, because I wasn't in business and making squillions and her grandsons were never brought up the way she would have liked. I've never thought it was a good idea having her for Christmas and I've always resisted the proposal when it has been raised. But this year, I relented and gave in".
Mr Bollocks went on to say, "I thought I had steeled myself and was thinking along the lines of 'peace and goodwill to all mothers-in-law', but as soon as she stepped through the door I could feel that tightening in my head, as my blood pressure started to rise. First came the derogatory comments about the Asian country where her Christmas present was made, followed by snide remarks about how other people's presents seemed better than hers. Then at lunch, there was the comment about the turkey being a bit dry and the sprouts a tad firm. The final straw was when she expressed disappointment that she had not been mentioned in the Queen's speech. At that point I stood up and headed for the kitchen. I knew we had a nice heavy duty meat tenderiser and thought that would do the job nicely. After that it was all a bit of a blur. I just remember the police shouting to me to put the tenderiser down and move away from the mother-in-law".
Mr Bollocks has since expressed his disappointment at not going ahead with the brutal killing of his mother-in-law. After all, he would at very least have got a diminished responsibility defence, if not one of unsoundness of mind.