Recently deceased Bert Matthews was today found by MI5 with his penis firmly stuck into a turkey. He told secret agents he was saving the world from a festive epidemic of colossal proportions. One of the creatures had passed on an incurable disease to Bert during a previous close liason and he was forced to act quickly to save the human race.
As he was taken away from the turkey slaughterhouse he was heard saying 'Bootiful, really bootiful you sexy birds.'
Recently his home was taken over with the turkeys leaving only a small bedroom shared with his wife.
'When Bernard said he reared them, that's exactly what he meant,' she probably told us.
A spokesman on behalf of MI5, Mustapha Turkey Forlunch said ' 97% of the turkeys are of Islamic origin and thought to be planning the mass destruction of the British Empire and the world. We are thankful for the cheeky chubby jovial dead Suffolk poulterer for saving us.'
Jamie Oliva was pleased by the news with his Pidgeon Pie factories ready to be launched in the early New Year.