Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was left feeling decidedly sorry for himself this morning after contracting what is thought to be the potentially deadly Umbongo virus.
Facing up to the virus with typical male grit, courage and determination, Shuttlecock reports that over the past couple of days he has frequently been forced into going for a lie down, and complaining to all and sundry that he really is at death's doorstep, that he's never known pain and discomfort like it, and that he is frequently too tired to shit.
Doctor Harold Krishna, of the Solent Healthcare Trust told Skoob News that the Umbongo virus is pretty unpleasant. Symptoms include a high temperature, hot and cold sweats, nausea, projectile vomiting, aching limbs, a severe headache, insomnia, loss of a sense of humour, inability to craft silly news stories and an aversion to forum activity on satirical websites.
Shuttlecock himself told us:
"Who cares about the Ashes? I don't give a toss, me. I could be bloody well shuffling off this mortal coil within the next day or two, right? I'll fight this bloody virus, me. I've opened a bottle of the hard stuff, and I'll Hot Toddy the bastard germ to death."
Doctor Krishna advised that trying to kill a virus by alcohol poisoning is not necessarily a sensible course of action.
The final word goes to Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne:
"Okay, the Umbongo virus is pretty bad, but basically, he's just a big soft get. Like all men."
More as we get it.