Written by Auntie Matter
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Monday, 27 December 2010

image for Rowling to Stand for Parliament
Jo Disguised as Horatio.

J.K.Rowling's global PR agency "Hoodwink & Dupe Inc", has just released news that she is to stand for parliament under a Labour ticket. Her close friend ex-Prime Minister Gordon Brown after whom her son "David Gordon" is named and whose political and media influences have helped her to avoid scrutiny for years has said he is delighted by the news but "it was entirely her own decision. I had absolutely nothing to do with it."

Her agent Christopher Little said he hoped she might be able to swing something when elected "to alleviate the cruel tax burden on the super-rich. We find the levy on the super-rich utterly unethical and against every Christian principle we hold dear. Pope Benedict is with us on this."

Little's partner and lawyer Neil Blair stated that it was his fervent hope and desire that Rowling MP would strive to change the laws on plagiarism in favour of the accused. "Everybody steals from everybody else in the writing profession. Haven't you read the thousands of blogs our people have put out saying just that? We have been stealing stuff for years for chrissakes. Joanne's nickname at the office is "Jo Hoover" for crying out loud. If you are a writer you should know by now that once you have written it down it belongs to us, entirely. We have billions. You have zilch. Once we have our claws on it then it fuckingwell belongs to us! You got a problem with that? If you do - address it to our lawyers Schillings. They will reply to you in confidence and let you know exactly where you stand. On a pile of shite basically in mid-Atlantic. Next thing you know you will be telling us you have fucking rights or something. Smell the coffee, moron!"

Rowling made no comment on this except to say that changing the laws on plagiarism was certainly high on her agenda as she had no intentions of going to jail for forty years for theft and perjury. "Chris and my PR people are working it so that if I get so much as a parking ticket kids all over the world will cry themselves to sleep and demand justice for me. That is why I cry every time I go on television. Kids cry a lot you know. It's something they can really, really, really, REALLY identify with." But, she did have other issues in mind such as government grants for coffee shop franchises to build more coffee shops in the bigger cities so that more and more women with funny glasses and dyed blond hair could sit and write there and pretend they were her. Also, she wanted to do something to preserve "England's green and pleasant land". Indeed, the next Harry Potter film and book were about a jungle tribe that is threatened by big corporate foreign companies using heavy duty tanks that can demolish trees by the square mile in minutes. Harry saves the tribe from losing their homes and traditions, and their sacred tree. When it was pointed out that the story sounded remarkably like the film "Avatar", Rowling smiled and said "It's similar. Ours will be a sort of 3D cartoon type thing and all the characters will be coloured green," before leaving in her Rolls.

Maggie Thatcher released a curt statement when she heard the news: "I hate the bitch. She clearly wants to be like me and start another war in the Falklands or something so that she can spice up her boring memoirs. She can't write for shit either. I bet she hasn't even read my biography. If brains were ink Rowling wouldn't make it to a semicolon, even if she knew how to use one! I am praying to Saint Francis for her."

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