Royal aides are Googling for 24-hour masonry repair service in Norfolk, after Sorry, Doshless of York, had to be chipped out of a chimney at Sandringham House following a failed bid to regain entrance to the royal circle by dressing as Santa Claus.
The Doshless apparently hatched the scheme after being convinced by News of the World reporters, cleverly disguised as elves, that she could effect a teary, forgive-and-forget reunion with her former relations by sliding down the chimney and then revealing the Royal Family's surprise visitor was not Father Christmas, but her madcap self. Firefighters on the scene say her bottom was the undoing of her happy ending when it became lodged in the flue between the third and second floors.
"Well, she's not been to Weight Watchers in some time, has she?" asked the fire chief, as the hapless ex-Royal was hoisted to freedom. "She's just bloody lucky she didn't make it all the way down. Fat and an open flame present a real risk to safety."
Efforts to free the Doshless were not aided by the Duke of Endinburgh, who during the rescue efforts stoked the flames in the hearth below.