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Thursday, 23 December 2010

image for Hideously Ugly Kate Middleton Coin Causes Massive Devaluation of the Pound
Artist's Rendering of Kate Middleton, Courtesy the Royal Mint

Britain's economic woes deepened today as the value of the pound sunk beneath .13 EUR.

Currency watchers lay the blame at the feet of the Mint's new Royal Wedding coin, which appears to be inspired by a police mug shot. The coin, which stops looking attractive immediately after considering the marvellous gold-tone finish, was meant to capture the youth and attractiveness of royal bride-to-be Kate Middleton, but instead has roundly been criticized as simply making her look captured.

"This is really a disaster," said currency profiteer Mick Unthumake. "People think the thing's so ugly they're shunning the currency all together, fearing if that's what the mint does to mark a happy occasion, the run of the mill currency could cause blindness."

Various reports of reaction to the new coin chronicle grown men vomiting spontaneously and small children in frightened tears. A vicar near Back-of-Beyond-on-Thames erupted into facial boils when shown the coin and several department store Santas burst into flames. There are unconfirmed reports members of the Monarchist Guild have turned into pillars of salt.

"Beauty is, of course, in the eye of the beholder," said Mint spokesperson Thyme Bollsup. "So, naturally, if you think beautiful is defined as pinch faced, flinty, slightly bloated and squinty-eyed, you've got yourself a keeper."

"However, this view it would seem is not widely shared. So we would like to apologize to Miss Middleton for producing a coin which, in fairness and retrospect, might be considered a total piece of crap. The Royal Mint has previously enjoyed great success producing coins bearing likenesses of the Royal Family. We won an award last year for the lifelike appearance of the Queen's jowls."

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