Cumbria - (Tremors): The 3.5 quake rattled much of the Lake District today as locals blamed Druidic hankypanky on the Winter solstice for the tremor that shook their peaceful habitat.
The tremor's epicentre was identified as being some 8.9 miles under Lake Coniston - which centuries of local folklore has claimed houses a mysterious UFO bunker.
Previous earthquakes centred on the waters were variously attributed to unexploded World War II bombs and/or alien munition catastrophes.
Last June disaffected local cabbie Derrick Bird went on a gun-toting rampage in the area, killing 12 locals and injuring 11 others before topping himself with a fatal blast.
The fallout from that massacre still haunts residents whose shattered world has once again been seriously rattled by this morning's tremor.
A spokesperson for Ye Olde Speckled Hen hostlery nearby said today
"WTF?" as patrons blamed the boneshaker on ancient brewing hazards affecting production of the 2010 winter warmer.
A pint of Windermere Old Peculiar is the equivalent to two bottles of meths.