Belgium has declared war on Britain, effective from lunchtime today. The Belgian government has expressed its ire at the fact that Britain consumes a disproportionate amount of Stella Artois and fine Belgian chocolate, leaving little for the Belgian's themselves.
Belgian military forces have been mobilised and 17 lightly armed Boy Scouts have boarded small pleasure craft at Zeebrugge. They are currently heading for the British coast. The Belgian Air Force has scrambled all of its multi-role strike aircraft, consisting of a Tiger Moth, a P-47 Thunderbolt and a little German Fokker. They have been detected by British radar and are believed to be heading for Royal Air Force bases in the east of England.
The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, accused the Belgian government of being underhanded and of exploiting recent comments made by a senior RAF officer, when he compared Britain's post-defence cut air force to that of Belgium. Cameron went on to request a temporary cessation of hostilities until 2018, when the RAF will be at a reasonable strength and have a fighting chance.
Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, said "We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them on the seas. We would fight them in the skies, but you need fighter aircraft to do that".
Meanwhile, British diplomats are working frenetically behind the scenes. They are hoping that existing treaties for mutual assistance will bring much needed reinforcements from Lichtenstein, Monaco, San Remo and Iceland.
The British people have been put on a war footing and have been told to look out for government information bulletins, which will be broadcast during commercial breaks on Chanel 5 and between Mahler Symphonies on Radio 3. They have also been advised to get their arses down the off-licence before the Stella runs out.