Its almost that time of the year again-or rather next year-when ITV, that well known 'death wish' TV channel inflict their clapped out ice skating circus, "Dancing On Very Thin Ice" upon viewers yet again! Hosted as always by, Phillip 'Dorian Gray' Schofield the 'youngest' 91 year old ever to host such an adrenaline pumping programme. And of course, the ever perennial Ms Holly Wiiloughby, winner of the 'best breast relief' award 1999-2010 and still way out in front.
However, behind the scenes it has been revealed that ITV had terrible trouble finding 16 potential 'celebrities' having already scraped all, but the barnacles, off every barrel they could find!
Such was their blind panic that they even sent Ant and Dec on a round the world hunt for Gary Glitter to head the list of this years hopefuls. As one sleazeball executive told our reporter, "if we can get Gary we are made rating wise, can you imagine the controversy it would stir up, the bloody ratings would go off the fucking Richter scale!"
Regrettably for ITV Gary could not be found in time due to Ant and Dec getting lost 'somewhere up the Orinoco without a paddle'and to date, not reporting back.
Thus, executives were forced to scour Jobcentres, drug rehabilitation centres,Kings Cross and even the infamous homeless camp under Waterloo bridge in a vain attempt to find anyone passably credible enough to pass as a celebrity.
Fortunately, within a few hours casting scouts located Kerry Katona giving head to a punter behind St Pancras Railway Station in return for a packet of Iceland Fish Fingers. Meanwhile, in a seedy Australasian watering hole in Earls Court,the 'Dingo's Dong', popular with out of work Aussie actors, transvestites and pissheads generally they discovered Craig McLachlan no less. This semi-decomposed Australian hunk, was once famous for appearing in 'Neighbours' opposite Kylie Minogue. But his real claim to fame down under pertains to him being the first joker ever to take Kylie up the arse in the back of a clapped out Holden ute when she was 16 and still a virgin! Currently earning a meagre crust as a gigolo in a rest home Craig jumped at the chance of twirling around on ice in the hope of advertising his 'wares' in tight fitting ice skating strides. "Strewth, once the flamin' Sheila's cop an eyeful of me bulging meat n' two veg me bookings should go into meltdown mate!"
With two down and fourteen to go, plus a deadline to meet, ITV executives really started panicking! Out of sheer desperation executives turned to the resident studio canteen cook, one Ada Minge,a mentally challenged spinster and self confessed chain smoking TV addict for any ideas? After all, she represented the average TV viewer so who better. Ada takes up the story;"It were a thrill to be asked for ideas, not that I had any of course, but I flipped through me copy of TV Times during me lavvy break like and ticked numerous pictures of familiar faces then handed the magazine back".
Executives were at first puzzled as they did not recognise many of the people Ada had ticked, "who the fuck is Dave Vitty?" one was heard to exclaim. "Fuck knows?" came the reply, "but if he works cheap then sign the bugger up!" After three hours locked in the studio padded cell the ITV executives had made the choices, four pieces of eye candy namely, Jennifer Metcalfe,Chloe Madeley,Laura Hamilton and lesser known WAG slapper, Elen Rivas all guaranteed to appeal to horny male viewers. For the ladies, Sam Attwater-who?- Dominic Cork-who? Steven Arnold-who? Jeff Brazier-who? and a washed up rapper called Vanilla Ice....fresh from his last pulsating engagement on X-Factor...circa 2009 and found sleeping in a cardboard box.
Obviously, this being a multicultural society ITV dare not be labelled 'racist' or 'ageist' so Nadia Sawalha was invited to the party along with a dusted off Angela Rippon and a 'revived' Denise Welch who was found wandering along the banks of the river Tyne pissed as a newt with no knickers on!
Just one required element was seemingly missing namely the 'credibility factor'. Thus, at the eleventh hour Lance Corporal Johnson Behatty, 31, Iraq VC hero was saved from a potential career as a minimum wage security guard for Tesco and drafted in to complete, therefore making this pathetic programme at least worth watching...just!!!
NB: Due to the current inclement weather many of the hopefuls are finding it difficult to reach the training rinks, therefore various designated areas of the M25 are being used.Drivers are being asked to exercise extreme caution and to be vigilant of any out-of-control novice ice skaters...with the exception of Ms Katona who will be wearing a hivi vest with a bullseye printed on it and is considered fair game for truckers!
SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley is determined to steal Ms Willoughbys crown and has got them out for the lads at the SKY Christmas party.