Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Topics: Austria

Sunday, 19 December 2010

image for Austria's Got Talent?
Abdul-Karim al Jabber, broom in hand ready to beat off Helmut Von Messerschmitts sexual advances!

An 'Austrian' has been fined for yodelling while mowing his lawn because it offended his Muslim neighbours.

Helmut Von Messerschmitt, 89, a well known 'naturalised Austrian' was 'ridiculing' their beliefs, a Judge decided, before fining him 900 euros (£1.99 approx).

Rather than face a protracted court case and its legal costs, Messerschmitt agreed to pay.

The court heard how Muslim, Abdul-Karim al Jabber, his wife and 57 children thought of him as a 'grumpy old motherfucker' and regarded his open-air versions of Alpine singing as racist asides aimed at them.

He was accused in court at Graz of trying to 'mock and imitate' the muezzin, who calls mosque worshippers to prayer. His neighbours claimed that he always began his yodelling as they knelt to pray. Messerschmitt said: "It vos not mein intention to imitate or insult zem, quite zer reverse as I vos unable to perfect zer prayer call despite knotting barb wire around mein testicals und ramming my old SS bayonet up mein arse! I simply started to yodel a few old tunes such as,'Es zittern die morschen knocken'** und zer 'Wessel Song'** because I vos thinking of zer good old days in zer Fatherland vid mein cobber, Herr Hitler, und it put me in zer good moods ja?"

The yodel is a song with an extended note which rapidly and repeatedly changes in pitch and makes a high-low-high-low sound. Developed in the Central Alps purely by accident by short sighted woodcutters who, having accidentally chopped of their respective gonads, found themselves able to hit high notes without much effort. In Messerschmitts case his 'meat and two veg' where taken out by a young Russian sniper during the battle of Stalingrad, after which he found himself in great demand as a novelty singer at the local SS S&M nightclub, 'The Leather Pussykat'.

The court heard how things came to a head during winter when Messerschmitt was mowing his lawn during a snowstorm and singing "Mein Old Mans A Muslim he wears a Tea Towel for a Hat" (in German of course)as Abdul-Karim al Jabber, his wife and 57 children were praying in the snow.

Police were called and as tempers became heated the mother of all snowball fights broke out and he was issued with a summons and a large print autographed copy of the Koran in German!

He was charged with "disparagement of religious symbols" having since had a good wank over the book and rubbing out Allahs autograph-an offence usually reserved for neo-Nazis who desecrate Jewish graves-and with three counts of ramming a snowball down a Police Officers throat with his fist and trying to bugger Abdul-Karim al Jabber while he was in the prayer position!

Alhough mainly associated with the Alps, yodelling is also found over Africa, the Middle East and America, usually within the walls of mental institutions and Government Parliamentary buildings. However, recently many Doctors have recommended that women try doing it during their menstrual cycle as it has been found to be a great stress buster!

** Top ten smash hits in Nazi Germany circa 1942-44 and soon to be re-recorded by X-Factor rapper Cher under the watchful eye of, Will.i.am of Black Eyed Peas fame and part-time Cheryl Cole shagger.

SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley has commenced yodelling lessons in readiness for her cycle.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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