Written by Phrank Phraser
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Sunday, 14 September 2003

image for Royal Flush - New Public Toilets To Be Constructed In Honour Of Princess Diana
Austin Powers pictured yesterday evening who looks slightly like Elton John

The small town of Gosh, nestled somewhere between Newcastle and London, is to erect a new public toilet block in its main square to commemorate the life of the late Diana, Princess of Wales.

Gosh's Lord Mayor was excited at the prospect. "It's the least we could do for her," he said. "Diana did more than her fair share to publicise the town of Gosh. She was always saying it - particularly when she was surprised."

The lavishly sculptured exterior will feature ‘Ladies' and ‘Gentlemen's' plaques manufactured from premium quality Welsh slate - a symbolic gesture to the country from which she took her title.

The fittings will be of the finest white porcelain. This will represent the Princess's purity and her perfect complexion. The sinks will have miniature statuettes of Diana mounted between the taps. "Of course, they will be pedestal sinks," explained the Mayor. "In this way the statuettes will be reminiscent of the position so many of her admirers put her in. Hopefully work will start early next year," the Mayor told us.

It is hoped that celebrity, Elton John will officially open the toilets once they are completed.

"We are going to approach him to see if he is available. Not because he sang at her funeral, you must understand, or that he was a close acquaintance; it's just that his name is so appropriate. If he turns us down, someone called Crapper might be a befitting second choice."

The toilets are expected to be visited by hundreds of visitors every year. Is it possible that members of the Royal Family or even The Queen herself might one day use the toilets? "Don't be silly," said The Mayor, "Everyone knows that the Queen doesn't go to the toilet."

We contacted a member of the ROYLE family to get his views on the project. "The trouble with public loos," Jim ranted during a break between filming, "is they don't bloody well get looked after properly!"

"Rest assured that these toilets will be kept in pristine condition!" the Mayor stormed at the suggestion. "They will be checked on the hour, every hour. Make no mistake. We will do everything in our power to keep these toilets up to scratch."

We passed on this information to Jim Royle: "Up to scratch!" he said. "Scratch - my arse!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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