Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Saturday, 18 December 2010

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In a shock revelation, it has been revealed that two 14 year old schoolchildren have become the UK's youngest parents. The two children had unprotected sex when aged 13 years old.

The new parents, Anne-Maree Spreadham and Kevin Numbnuts, are both attending school and both still live with their respective families. Their son, Jesus H. Christ, who is named after the first thing Anne-Maree's father said when hearing of her pregnancy, is cared for by Anne-Maree and her mother.

When asked if he understood people's shocked reaction to him being a father, Kevin Numbnuts said, "Nah, what's the problem? We was taught this in sex ed' at school. It didn't seem too difficult. Pity I missed the bit about condoms, but I was flicking bits of paper at little Johnny Bollocks at the time. Anyway, my family's catholics so me father would give me a good hiding if he caught me using one of them things".

Anne-Maree, who is one of 12 children and who's parents are both unemployed, said "I've only ever wanted to have babies. School has never been my thing. The teachers say I'll be a late developer in that respect. Me mam is dead happy, this will be her ninth grandchild and she is still only 36 herself".

It has to be said, Kevin Numbnuts is taking his parental responsibilities seriously. He visits Anne-Maree and little Jesus each day, just as soon as he gets out of school detention. He gives little Jesus a cuddle and a few pats on the head, before getting into the Xbox with one of Anne-Maree's many brothers.

Anne-Maree and Kevin are already thinking about having another child. They have applied for council housing and are already receiving child benefit, in addition to that which they recieve for themselves.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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