A local man, earning a few extra quid at a local retail shop, was arrested today for gross misconduct after it was found he was enjoying quite remarkable sex with teachers on holiday posing for pictures on his lap, whilst wearing a crotchless red snow suit!
The man, variously identified as being homeless , an unemployed fishmonger,
a burnt out comedy writer, a former dustbin inspector for council housing, and a part time gazebo erector for a local DIY big box store was finally categorized as a 'jack of all trades' on the official police report before the shocking discovery of his real identity.
The store manager, who can not be named due to a super injunction imposed after the American Conglomerate who owns the company sought relief in the courts, said the man,
'a jolly sort with a good countenance, friendly demeanor, immaculate costume, and perfect diction," was hired after answering an ad for a "part time Holiday Greeter requiring the ability to assume a fictional identity."
"No doubt about it. He was our man, from the first time I saw 'em. The gals in the office all agreed too...they all jumped in his lap for a bit of picture taking, and all seemed quite relaxed after the photo 0p...almost dreamy they wuz!"
The word must have got around about the wonderful Christmas spirit existing at the store, as soon there was a queue out the door, that extended unabated for two days before
Santa's Secret was discovered.
Ironically, it wasn't any of the happy lasses that had their pictures taken that finally complained, but current sitting MP Haridan Harmon who discovered the shocking secret.
Being a good sport and trying to regain some public confidence after a disastrous
public relations nightmare involving speeding, driving while texting, and gender discrimination, the militant feminist, clad in a lovely lime green pants suit, eagerly took her place on Santa's lap.
What started out as politically contrived photo op soon turned to chaos, as the now Red Faced MP Hopped Hurriedly from Santa's lap, pointed at his now rampantly exposed member, and screamed , "You Bastard...you're all alike...I tolt you, I'd consider 'doing it' this Christmas, jist this one time, but only if you got a F*****g job and cleaned the house properly!"
As store security intervened in what could have become an 'ugly' domestic dispute, Santa was revealed to be non other than Jack Dromey, Deputy Deputy General of the Unite Union,
and alleged spouse of the aforementioned "victim", Haridan Harmon!
Wearing a whimsical smile, defrocked Santa was escorted through a horde of fans intent
on tearing the complaining MP limb from limb with several frustrated women crying out,
"well, you right gon an donnit it now, silly bitch, finally the first good F****g from Labour and you've done spoilt it!"
A barrister for the accussed said they would be adopting the LON defense (Lack of Nookie),
a new strategy recently approved by the Human Rights Commission who mandated Jailed Felons are entitled to conjugal sex "more than once a year."