Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Topics: Cooking

Friday, 17 December 2010

image for Loyd Grossman Always Left On The Shelf
Mrs Spools from number 33 yesterday.

Go to the back of your kitchen cupboard and what do you find?

A ten-year-old tin of fruit salad in syrup? A tin of stewed beef?

Well, according to a new survey, every household in Britain has 11 items in the kitchen cupboard that will never be used.

In addition, four in ten Britons waste at least five ingredients every month by letting them pass their sell-by date.

The survey was carried out by Loyd Grossman cook-in sauces and the good people there would have you believe that icing sugar is the most common dormant item.

But a quick survey carried out for EIF News & Features by PollsRUs reveals that the most common dormant item really is... Loyd Grossman cook-in carbonara with smoked pancetta!

Mrs Fields told us: "Oh that's been there for yonks, dear. Can't be doing carbonara, not with Mr Fields's cholesterol. I think I bought that about five years ago but never got round to using it."

Nuala Spools, from number 33, agreed: "Ooh yes - it's far too rich for my brood... won't touch anything slightly exotic."

When Jeremy and Craig round the corner checked their cupboards, it was only a slightly different story.

Said Craig: "Not carbonara, love, but we've got a jar of Green Thai curry with green beans and bamboo shoots. Can't have that because Jeremy doesn't like it."

"It's not that I don't like it... you know Thai makes me come out in a rash."

"Ooh, how could I forget! Remember that dinner we had to celebrate Dorothy coming out as preferring comfortable shoes?"

"I always thought so... don't know who she thought she was kidding. Anyway. Yes. I was up all night."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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