London -- Stunning their American counterparts, London police, MI6 and other British intelligence agencies appear to be mounting a successful battle against terrorism without suspending civil liberties, torturing suspects, or violating the Geneva Convention. "We really don't know how they do it" an aide to U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is quoted as saying. We're running Windows XP and Terror-Stop! version 9.5, and we still can't seem to connect the dots as well as they do simply by talking to people." "
"Using ordinary search warrants, video surveillance, extraditions, and "plain old detective work" British Intelligence agencies have uncovered terrorist cells, linked fundamentalist groups by tracking their phone calls, emails, whereabouts, and co-horts, and compiled dossieres on potential future terrorists. "It's really nothing that remarkable" said one London Yard Inspector. "We just tell the blokes if they don't cooperate we'll send them over to the States.
The Inspector continued, "We really messed up with that shoot-to-kill thing. Some higher-up here thought all those Dirty Harry movies were swell, and an innocent life was lost. Even so, it put the terrorists on notice. Practically nobody carries a large backpack or parcel anymore." It's really made the tube a lot more roomy, and the bombs a lot smaller.
"You see," said one British intelligence official, "Having a centralized intelligence agency is of no use at all if you don't actually hire any intelligent people. We suspect that's what's wrong with the American CIA. You've got a bunch of career-minded civil servants, and not a chess player in the lot. Just look at the moron running the show over there, Georgie. What a twit."
"Refusing ridiculous "knee jerk" reactions like random bag checks in the subway, or taking nail clippers away from airline passengers, well, it gives us time to perform actual detective work, you see. Follow up on leads, that sort of thing."
Revelations that the Department of Defense's "Able Danger" department had identified Mohhamed Atta as a potential terrorist more than two years before 9-11 were recently brought forth. Lawyers for the Pentagon, apparently, argued the information couldn't be shared with other agencies. Doh!
A spokesperson for the FBI confirmed that British crime-fighting efforts were making Homeland Security's record look bad. "They've got Sherlock Holmes on the case, we've got Inspector Closeau."