Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was last night relaxing at home enjoying a quiet drink, following a traumatic High Street trip in search of tatty Christmas bargains, with long suffering wife, Anne, loyal stepdaughter Gertrude, and two of his grandchildren, Millie, and Vanilli.
Shuttlecock admitted that he had perhaps been a tad naive in believing the shopping trip may have been brief, but as he's had quite a relaxing few days, he claims to have been caught off balance.
The High Street trip began uneventfully at a Christmas market, where Gertrude purchased one of those really daft Swedish woolly hats with ear flaps, for Vanilli, from a market stall, which it later transpired she could have bought for a pound in the pound shop.
The shopping trip started out in a discount clothing store, ironically, named Shuttlecock's. Not much to be had there by the way of bargains, so the Shuttlecock clan - after a browsing session which spun out for around forty minutes - proceeded to move on to the Pound Shop.
Shuttlecock admits that sometimes he doesn't mind a trip to the Pound Shop, because there are some useful purchases to be made there. Mostly for a pound. In fact, exclusively for a pound. Such as boxes of filter tips for hand rolled cigarettes, multipacks of cigarette papers, electronic lighters at five for a pound, and reading glasses for - you guessed it - a pound a pair.
Shuttlecock also revealed that he once purchased a DVD copy of Edward D Wood's horrendously awful movie, Plan 9 From Outer Space, at the Pound Shop. For a pound.
Other useful purchases at the Pound Shop include batteries for watches, remote controls, wireless computer keyboards, and mice, (the ones where you left and right click, not the squeaky type.)
All appeared to be going well, until, as Shuttlecock described to us:
"I was done me. I'd cast an eye over all the tat on offer, and was quite happy, and ready to go home. Where I had a cold one waiting for me in the fridge. But not Anne - oh no. She'd barely got started on the first aisle. I popped outside on three seperate occasions for a fuckin' cigarette. I wish I'd have gone to the pub now and let her get on with it. She was in there for nearly three fucking hours! Then we went on to another shop that sold yet more fucking tat! Millie and Vanilli got so pissed off with it all, that they started playing on the escalator. Of course, I told them that to do so is dangerous, but the poor souls were so bored out of their skulls, and tired and hungry by this time, that they sat by the door eating crisps."
And the highlight of the shopping trip?
"A black Christmas tree," Shuttlecock growled. "A fucking black Christmas tree! An artificial one, of course. Made in China probably - I don't know, I didn't look. So they're making Christmas trees exclusively for Goths and Twilight fans are they? Fucking stupid idea if you ask me. Black Christmas trees! It's bollocks is that. I just wanted to get home in case the miracle paint pads, and the magic window cleaning tool I ordered off TV shopping channel QED had been delivered yet. Bastards!"
More as we get it.