Alcoholics Anonymous have decided to close their Newcastle branch after nobody came to any meetings for the thirtieth month on the run.
"We thought Newcastle would be a good place to set up an AA branch," said Alan Collic. "We'd heard there was a very strong drink culture in the area, and figured that there must be some drink dependant people here that needed our help."
It turns out that being an alcoholic is dependant on location. Something that the AA had failed to take into account.
"If you drink one glass of light beer a week in Utah, you're an alcoholic," said Collic. "That would make you tea-total in Australia."
Such is the level of consumption in the North East, the AA are recommending to the government that they raise the drink drive limit for the North East only.
"The base level of alcohol in people's blood in Newcastle would put a Londoner over the limit," said Collic. "And that's before they start drinking."
The AA performed a random sample of people in Newcastle town centre, and discovered that there appears to be no impairment despite every person being three times over the legal limit for driving.
"It's only when a Geordie heads away from Newcastle that their drinking becomes a problem," Collic revealed. "Take Paul Gascoigne. Please. If he'd stayed in Newcastle, he'd be sober, but put him in Surrey and he suddenly becomes a raging drunk and needs rehab."
As an experiment, the AA detoxed a random resident of County Durham. They were shocked at the outcome.
"When they had no alcohol in their blood, they suddenly spoke like a BBC announcer, and could feel the cold like a normal person," Collic said. "We believe that the excessive intoxication is a biological adaptation to the weather."