Written by Rob Stimpson
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Wednesday, 15 December 2010

The UK has tonight been plunged into yet another political crisis as the coalition government has dramatically disbanded over a shambolic Secret Santa involving the most senior government ministers.

According to breaking reports, the Secret Santa was organised by Nick Clegg and involved David Cameron, George Osborne, Theresa May, William Hague, Vince Cable, Eric Pickles and, naturally, Nick Clegg himself. Each person put their names into a hat and were then drawn out to much secrecy and giggles, before each of them scurried off into the streets of London to buy a present worth between £5 and £10.

Cracks started to show immediately though, as Vince Cable was seen giving Nick Clegg two packs of cigarettes in order to change people with him. Nick Clegg had promised not to change his mind, and to adhere to the bond of secrecy that unites a Secret Santa scheme, but naturally, he was lying and accepted Mr. Cable's offer.

Eric Pickles then entered the House of Commons during a live televised debate and started to ask aloud if anyone had an ideas about what to get David Cameron for Christmas. Sadly, the Prime Minister was watching the the debate live on Sky News and erupted into an uncontrollable rage at finding out who had drawn his name out of the hat. Part of this anger was also aimed at the fact that he had drawn Nick Clegg, and he knew that whatever he bought his deputy he would say he loved it with all of his heart even if he hated it.

It is believed that everyone wanted to draw Theresa May so they could just get £10 worth of 'bits' from Lush because, as Ms. May said herself, "girls love that shit." Sadly, though, George Osborne drew Ms. May, and having no sense of reality, he decided to buy her an Eton scarf made of cashmere worth £200.

By the time all 8 members of the Secret Santa reconvened, it had become painfully clear that it had become a shambles. David Cameron blamed his Liberal counterparts, saying that they were just happy to be there and didn't care about taking it seriously, while Nick Clegg blamed his Tory colleagues for being out of touch, being quoted as saying "Secret Santa's always fall apart, it's inevitable. The Tories are just so out of touch to have not seen this coming."

The glorious coalition, then, has now disbanded with huff and a whimper. As it stands, a group of protesting, anarchist students are currently running the country after shitting on the Cenotaph and beheading the statue of Winston Churchill in the name of education. David Cameron has wished his successors good luck, noting that "apparently no one is fit to run the country, so I'd quite like to see some pathetic, moaning students have their souls ground into Earth until they choke on their Topman discount."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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