Written by queen mudder
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Wednesday, 15 December 2010

image for 'Aloof ' Russian spy Katia Zatuliveter was just cold 'because her miniskirts were too damned short!'
This longer skirt was meant for church on Sundays!

London - (Frozen Ass Mess): Forget red top pundits' silly psychobabbling: gorgeous blonde Russian bombshell Katia Zatuliveter is not frigid - she merely has a frozen ass.

A PR statement said today that for years the spookette had swallowed the global warming hype of mild, wet British winters.

This lead her to invest in lots of flimsy micro minis, some hardly bigger than the ubiquitous fig leaf!

These she wore - sometimes over knickers and pantyhose - and sometimes not.

On the day she was busted in an MI5 sting the lovely Ms Zee had just bought a Kate Toss-inspired daring little number from Top Slop.

Officers pounced on her Westmonster workplace on the day the real British winter returned with a vengeance.

"So of course her thighs turned blue!" one Parliamentary Private Secretary explained to reporters this afternoon.

Witnesses say police then gave Katia a large plastic sack to shield her lovely toned, suntanned thighs.

She was then lead away to a Black Mariah parked outside Portcullis House before being manhandled - er...handed over! - to some rather porky-looking hairy-faced WPCs.

"Of course she resisted these dykes' attentions," the PR source added helpfully, "by feigning a sudden, fatal bout of vaginissimus."

The condition causes mata haris' internal muscles to clam up unexpectedly.

It requires at least a whole bottle of 40-proof vodka to unclench without resulting permanent damage in what psychiatrists call the Venus Fly Trap sindrome (sic).

As she waits an appeal hearing against extradition back to Russia Ms Zatuliveter is now seen in public wearing 'sensible' close-cut jeans, or woolly tights under her knee-length dress.

Signs of irreversible hypothermia appear to have gone and the old cheeky wobble looks set for a comeback.

Additional reporting from Our Man With the Periscope Camera...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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